A unique blog post for my daughter Breyann to answer her question, “what kind of a mom were you?”
My heart broke into a million pieces after losing you and scattered on the ground. I became numb to feeling anything for a long time. Suffering through abuse and domestic violence prevented me from bonding with you and your brother.
I lost custody of you and your brother and ran in fear for my life.
I’ve always said “lost” because I wanted you and your brother. Wanted to be a mom to you, and loved you and your brother deeply with all of my heart.
I couldn’t provide for or protect you from harm. Trying very hard to fight for you, I sought help several times. No one listened. No one helped. I lost the fight, and the cost was my first loved children. That left an empty void in my heart, and I blocked out the emotional pain.
A Second Chance
Then God began healing the broken heart with the birth of my next son, Nathan. I choose that name because it means “a gift.” To me, he was a gift, a second chance.
Having endured abuse and losing two children, I wanted to make sure Nathan had a good life. I taught him the love of reading at a young age. And took him to boy scouts, so he had good male role models to follow.
At the age of four, he attended the Salvation Army Church in California. At age nine and ten, he attended Vacation Bible School in the summer.
Nathan was ten when Faith was born. He didn’t take it very well at first. Shortly after bringing her home Nathan said,
“You have forgotten all about me now that she is here.”
Naturally, I hadn’t because babies need more attention. I explained that to Nathan, but he still felt unloved and put out.
I chose the name Faith because I didn’t want to forget to have faith. If I had to say faith every day, I couldn’t possibly disremember. Her name was a constant reminder to trust in the Lord.
Like her brother, I gave her the love of reading at a young age. At night she would listen to Bible stories on cassette tapes while looking at a Children’s Bible.
Faith loved learning new things, so I always printed preschool lessons for her to do. I took her on nature walks, and she enjoyed playing outside for hours.
What Kind of a Mom Were You?
I was the kind of mom who valued her child’s education. Teaching children how to make wise choices and decisions for themselves is essential. Not being a child’s best friend was important as well. Children need a guide and mentor growing into adult life.
I believed God trusted me with them and it was my job to make sure they knew how to make wise choices. That they were aware of the right path to take in life.
Taking that job very seriously, I was always open and honest with them. Hiding secrets from them never crossed my mind. They knew about my past struggles to some degree, more than anyone else. I told them about you and your brother.
Here is a Birthday card Faith made for me one year. I think it states things best. “We have our doubts, squabbles, sometimes… But as long as I think you’re a great mom, what else matters.”
Breyann, no matter what happens in life. The doubts, squabbles, adversity or suffering we endure. I will always think, you were lost and know you and your brother were always wanted and loved by me.
All my Love, Linda